not everyone can be an "it girl"

or society's obsession with the it girl and what it means for our individuality

“Tell me about yourself” they all seem to scream at me. “Tell me your greatest accomplishments, your most niche facts, your most interesting hobbies.” Every time I hear this I freeze. I like to think that I know myself and have a strong sense of who I am, but I fear that who I am is not who I should be. I’m not the person they’re looking for.

It feels like there’s an insane pressure to Stand Out among the crowd, to be the person in the room who is the most interesting, most beautiful, most intelligent. Everyone wants to be an It girl. For those of you thriving outside of social media, the idea of an It girl is wholly fascinating. She’s beautiful, a muse, she’s the girl who walks into a room and you are immediately drawn to her. Raven Smith recently wrote a piece for Vogue and analyzed the concept of an It girl. Her description stuck with me:

Part of the 100-year intrigue is that an It girl is a nebulous concept. She’s always a hot girl, sure, but she’s also a hot media property. Initially she’s a break from a certain homogeny, but she eventually ushers in a new kind of homogeny. She has an influence that never tips into Influencer (shudder). She’s a presenter, a model, a DJ, a muse, and a moment. (Rarely is she a foodie or a biochemist or a tech entrepreneur or a working mother.) She’s a socialite, but not like a regular socialite—a cool socialite. She can be an uptown girl or a grubby downtown party rat. In Britain we have a barometer of relatability for our prime ministers: Would you have a drink with him (or her)? I suppose the mark of an It girl is whether she’d dance first on an empty dance floor or let you bum her last smoke.

It girls have that je ne sais quoi that captivates your attention and eventually allows them to become your new obsession. We see It girls as the pinnacle of what we should aspire to be like, how we should mold our personalities, and find traits within ourselves that leave an impression on everyone in the room. Whether it’s Rachel Sennott’s sexy, chic, and relatable sense of humor or Bella Hadid’s quiet, fierce, and stunning aura, we see that and are blown away by their level of charm. There’s a deep feeling that while their lifestyles are often unattainable due to money, fame, privilege, and resources, we can still be just like them by our attitude,the products we use, and our sense of humor. We can turn ourselves into these enigmatic beings floating through life and charming every room.

I saw a video on social media the other day talking about “the most interesting hobbies a girl could have,” and not to get back on the subject of girl hobbies, but why should our hobbies be defined by how interesting they are? The video said that “cool girls” are taking up detailed, less popular hobbies. It makes them the center of attention, gives them something to talk about, and sets them apart from their peers who have boring and unchic hobbies like going for walks or god forbid, reading. I’m not going to pick up something like bookbinding to have it be a conversation topic. Everything feels like a performance. We choose the activities that are most interesting so we have something to talk about, We wear clothes that make a statement, almost like a costume to show who we are instead of having to talk about it. Every choice we make brings us closer to emulating the It girl of our choice.

the ultimate It girl/coolest girl in the world Chloë Sevigny

There’s a greater conversation to be had about how social media has completely turned the concept of an It girl around. Social media gave us influencers, but we don’t really see the stereotypical influencer embodying the idea of an It girl. We don’t want the It girl outwardly selling us the idea of something, or promoting what it is that makes her special, it’s up for us to identify that ourselves and seek that out individually. Usually, we want her to feel like one of us, the cool girl in our college literature class, the girl with the basket bag at the flea market, someone who could be your older sister’s best friend’s cousin or someone you met once at a party and never forgot, who became your own personal It girl. Social media has given us this concept and completely rolled with it. Items are classified as “It girl aesthetic” and trends are sprung up from there. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the concept of a cool, beautiful woman is commodified. TikToks telling us 10 Essential Wardrobe Essentials to Have an It Girl Summer, or targeted ads reminding us to buy Bella Hadid’s Ultimate It Girl Perfume constantly barrage our senses and remind us that we should want to be an It girl, that there are ways to buy our way into that status and to show everyone that we have all of the items that they have.

Without repeating the entirety of my girl hobbies essay, everything has been classified into aesthetics, so it’s no surprise that the idea of being an It girl has become one too. There are It girls in every generation, every piece of media, yet we still find ways to scramble their essence together under one umbrella. It girl aesthetic, simply put, is aspirational. Maybe it’s jet-setting around the world clad in Versace and endlessly on vacation like Dua Lipa. Perhaps it’s even the Sofia Coppola filmography, whimsical, pastel-colored, and hazy. The point being, we find these aesthetics and fixate on them, convincing ourselves we need our lives to look just that way, and the It girls themselves are just extensions of the aesthetics, the faces of them.

I think so many of us see these strong, uniquely cool, beautiful women and aspire to be like them, project that image of ourselves out there because we don’t yet know who we are. In new or unfamiliar settings, I often see myself trying to present myself as this confident, thoughtful, intelligent, sexy, chic, aspirational creature because to put it simply, I don’t know exactly who I am. I don’t know what my life will look like in the next three months, I barely know what it will look like next week. I’m indecisive, constantly curious, a little bit shy sometimes, and constantly trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be. Call me dramatic, but I’m a 22 (almost 23) year-old Gemini and it’s in my nature to feel that constant indecision, that shift between who I am and what I want to do. I still have time to figure out Who I Am but at the same time, I’m a person, I’m always going to evolve, find new pieces of art to enjoy, continue to develop as a person. I’m not meant to be an aesthetic of a person, I’m a whole individual, constantly adapting, growing, and learning.

this came up on Pinterest when i typed in “it girl aesthetic” so do with that what you will

Not everyone can be an It girl, and without sounding harsh or blunt, that’s a good thing. We all, as women, are special in our unique ways, and what makes us special are our own personal quirks, not the personality traits or wardrobes pulled straight off of the women we aspire to be. Being an It girl will not solve the problems of figuring out your own identity, it just prolongs it, keeps you in this endless cycle of convincing yourself that you are one thing, but you are just an actor playing a part. Essentially, breaking away from that deep-rooted longing to be someone we aren’t is more of a unique choice than modeling your essence off someone else.

It’s easy to say that I want to be an It girl. That I want to exude the cool, intrigue of these perfectly enigmatic beings. I want people to look at me and immediately marvel at my effortlessly messy hair or carefully curated (but not obviously so) outfit. But even if I put that image out there, that is not me. I am messy, I am led entirely by my emotions, I often find myself laughing too loudly or talking about something completely random in a situation where I should be more demure. I try too hard to be perfect, I want everyone to like me, maybe to a fault, but those are traits that are part of me, and I would rather keep trying to learn more about myself. I’ll take the time to slowly learn to answer “tell me about yourself” and then become their shapeless, perfect “It” girl. 

i wrote a similar piece about identity, aesthetics, and intellectual desirability so give that a read while you’re here

Bonus Content: Weekly Favorites

• reading outside

• rewatching the star wars movies

• iced green tea with honey

• my favorite earrings (wore them to a party)

  

  my favorite earrings (along with some other jewelry faves)

• the smell of sunscreen

that’s all for now!! thank you for reading, feel free to let me know your thoughts <3

with love,

sarah <3