oh so you're a thought daughter now? should i call joan didion?

or aesthetics at the price of individuality, the relationship between intellectualism and desirability, and social media brainrot

I remember the first time I heard something described as “aesthetic.” I was around 13, and my friend Erin took a photo of me taking a Polaroid of her. “Sarah. That is so aesthetically pleasing,” she excitedly shouted out. I barely knew what she meant, but I knew it was cool. From then on, I would see a perfectly imperfect stack of books, snap a picture, and show it to my mom, reminding her how “aesthetically pleasing” it was. Traditionally, “aesthetic” was synonymous with pretty, or interesting to look at; it was most commonly used for describing art movements, or creative pieces, that beheld the same tone, or subject matter. With social media, however, and the innate need to fit in and belong to a group, aesthetics have come to mean something entirely different. They’ve gone from descriptors about art, to traits and characteristics people must subscribe to to curate and depict their perfect lifestyle.

Every day, it feels like social media pushes a new aesthetic toward me, some ultra-specific, highly curated lifestyle. Something so unrealistic in the real world, that it simply is only relevant on social media. I feel like it’s at the point where I could literally pick one object I like, I’ll use strawberries for this example, and an adjective, and then throw girl at the end of it and boom! New aesthetic. Do you want to be sexy strawberry girl? We eat a bowl of strawberries in the morning and wear white baby tees with jean shorts that don’t quite fit correctly, maybe we all have medium-length brown hair and exclusively wear the strawberry balm dot com on our lips. Our hobbies are writing culture critiques and reading books exclusively written by women. I guarantee, if I romanticized sexy strawberry girl through social media with perfectly curated photos of me chomping away at strawberries and laughing and frolicking in a field or something, people would rush to emulate it, because it’s all presented in such a desirable, attainable, “I’m just so casual and effortless” way. (Please do not make sexy strawberry girl a thing.)

Tomato girl, pilates princess, now the thought daughter, it’s like casual enjoyment has disappeared, you must completely adapt your identity around your newest interest, often something you discover through social media. It all hits so quickly, that once you consume one thought daughter video, soon you see hundreds, and before long you’re dropping money on a stack of presumed intellectual new books and a moleskin journal.

In the case of the infamous thought daughter, what started as a joke on TikTok spurred as a response to the 2021 “gay son or thot daughter” question, “my parents have a thought daughter who overthinks everything and cries in her room” to simplify it down to its most basic, has turned into an identity. If you’re off the internet, “thought daughter” refers to someone often highly intelligent, sensitive, feminine but just to an extent, relates to media like the Virgin Suicides, a Lana Del Rey listener, and a sentimental, nostalgic girl. She’s nonchalant, your everyday girl, just constantly plagued by thoughts and very intuitive and smart. I see music, book, and movie recommendations “for the thought daughter,” fashion advice to dress like a thought daughter (what does this even mean), and I wonder if I’m crazy. Suddenly, reading Joan Didion or Albert Camus means you must be a thought daughter, you have to spend time wallowing in your room, writing in your journal as performance art as if someone will read it someday. Joan Didion would hate this, she would be laughing her way to a new essay, some harsh critique of imitation and the lack of identity.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m 23 years old, I lived through the Tumblr indie girl era, fandom as a personality trait, and the Emma-Chamberlain-inspired art hoe VSCO girl period (a dark time in my life, re: my yellow Fjallraven Kånken backpack) and could not say I emerged unscathed, but I think what I notice in the thought daughter of it all, is how the need to have your own, well-defined identity has created a social media wide panic. There’s a longing for pure individualism. We see those who have seemingly strong identities, who profit off selling them (people like Hailey Bieber and Emma Chamberlain) and buy into those, thinking it brings us closer to what we presume is our distinct identity. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it over and over again, the items we buy and categorize as “coquette” or “y2k” or even now “thought daughter” really don’t mean anything. They’re material possessions. Consumerism will be the death of the self-discovery necessary to determine one’s personal tastes and distinct interests.

real photo of me from 2018, peak Emma Chamberlain art hoe identity crisis

I read a lot of Joan Didion, I spend a lot of time wallowing in my room (medicated depression and whatnot), and I even (big shock) write in my journal, so would you look at me and be like “She’s so thought daughter?” I’m sure somebody would, but if anyone said that to me, pardon my rudeness, but I would laugh in their face. I want to like what I like and enjoy doing activities I find fun without aligning with some TikTok aesthetic. When I wore the yellow Brandy Melville “honey” shirt, and stuffed my Kånken with my sticker-covered Hydroflask, I blatantly tried to fit into an aesthetic. I spent long enough emulating something because the internet told me it was cool, it was the desirable girl behavior of the month, and I don’t want that anymore.

a classic thought daughter item haul from tiktok, as in, more things you need to buy!

I think the thought daughter, the lit girl, today’s most coveted aesthetic identities stem from the idea that adopting this smart, blasé, somewhat boring persona, is a rejection of modern beauty standards. Suddenly, we don’t need to be “hot” because we are intellectual, in fact, our intellectualism is what makes us hot. Whether it’s beauty, intelligence, or creativity, there’s an unnamed pressure to maintain some element of desirability. It all stems back to society, and what social norms dictate what makes up our worth. As a woman, there are unsaid do’s and don’ts that constantly echo in our minds. Be pretty but not hot or slutty. You can be smart but never the smartest. All of that isn’t groundbreaking, it’s just frustrating. In any of these aesthetics adopted as lifestyles, from pilates princess (staying skinny and hot) to Italian summer girl (well traveled, cultured, beautiful) and of course, our highly discussed thought daughter (smart, always thinking) it may be unconscious, but the performance of adopting this identity is still based in desirability.

The intellectualism that we see in lit girls and thought daughters is nothing revolutionary. It is quotes about solitude and romance and hometown misery carefully pruned from a Sally Rooney novel, ignoring the Marxist discourse it is contained between. It’s beyond frustrating seeing this, watching the meaning, the actual cultural commentary and intelligence being sucked out of these brilliant passages at the expense of providing a palatable and uncontroversial take. It’s making sure, often unconsciously, that the intellectualism presented by a thought daughter is attainable, it’s not taking a side or presenting any theory, so it is still appealing to the masses. It makes the thought daughter still desirable, you want her because she is smart and well-read and that's intriguing, but you’re never going to feel inferior when she talks about Marxist theory. These aesthetic identities, especially those reaching mainstream and commercial prominence, must remain untarnished by way of too-strong, too devisive opinions. They maintain commercial appeal to sell products because, at the end of the day, these aesthetic identities aren’t real. They’re labels, adjectives that you read in product descriptions because this is all to sell something.

I don’t really know how we move forward from this, away from the dominance of aesthetic identities. It feels so ingrained in how we perceive ourselves and maybe more importantly, how we wish to be perceived by others. I pose a question for the self-proclaimed thought daughters: why? Why is this something you desire? What is it about the thought daughter that is enough for you to decide it’s become essential to your identity? And then I ask that same question to anyone who determined that their identity is best described by one of those aesthetics. I asked myself that during my debacle as an Art Hoe VSCO Girl and realized it was all based on desirability. I wanted to be desirable and social media told me that wearing a big t-shirt and short shorts would do that so I did. I wanted people’s vision of me to align with how they were meant to perceive that specific aesthetic. I convinced myself, that by buying those items, adopting those hobbies, and acting a certain way, I was creating my individual identity. I know now that I got caught up in the rapidly changing trend cycle, and while I was falsely convinced of my individuality, I was straying further and further from it.

I found this on Pinterest when I typed in thought daughter and it’s too fitting

Perhaps we need Joan Didion. Someone highly regarded and often idolized for their critiques of the very thing the readers are trying to emulate. I’d like to think we all just need a refresh, a moment with ourselves to reaffirm the desire to be an individual, but away from the oversaturated and highly profitable social media identities. Maybe we no longer need to see “aesthetic” as a lifestyle. There are infinite maybes, just like there are infinite ways for us to find our individuality.

for some similar pieces that i wrote, check out: not everyone can be an it girl and girlhobbies

p.s. my weekly favorites (what if i just listed everything from my fake sexy strawberry girl aesthetic)

• the helloadrienne iron-on patches my friend sofia got me for my birthday

• my good friend

  Andrew Powers
  ’s movie substack (check out this piece)

• lemon berry kombucha in the morning

• EURO 2024 in the morning and COPA América at night

• working on a novel (surprise!)

• this essay by

  Aamina Inayat Khan
  for
  mixed feelings
  (about the “pandemic directioner”)

• letting my sister proofread my writing (scary, but we get to chat about it for a while and it’s nice)

okay, that’s all for now! love you all to pieces & i’ll see you soon!

sarah 💌