i'm not scared of the ocean anymore

my weekend in delaware, the calming presence of being around water, and the easy love of being with friends

if i lived by the sea i would never be really sad. i get an immense sense of eternity and peace from the ocean. i can lose myself staring at it hour after hour. -sylvia plath

i don’t know when i realized i was scared of the ocean. i used to love family trips to the beach, where i would run into the sea without fear and let the waves surround me, but as i got older, the unpredictable nature of the current and tides began to make me nervous. i was so carefree, unburdened by the anxieties that began to consume me, the constant fears and worries, and i longed to return to those simple days of splashing in the ocean without fear. it makes sense for me to fear the ocean, it’s essentially an endless abyss of unknowable space, able to switch from calm and still to violent and choppy in moments, and i never enjoyed the unpredictable nature of things.

the entirety of this essay stems from this moment

last friday, i drove down to delaware with my best friend, sofia, her dad, her sister, gia, and gia’s best friend, violet. she invited me on her family’s summer beach trip, a whole weekend to relax and spend time together, so of course, i was beyond excited to go. we woke up at 5, left her house by 6, and ended up in delaware by noon. i don’t really remember the ride, which is surprising for me, i know sofia was playing music, and we drove past field after field in delaware, making jokes about twisters, but for the most part, i just felt calm, so ready to step away for a few days and just exist.

almost as soon as we arrived at the house, we changed into our bathing suits and joked about the vibrant nature of our respective suits, laughing about how we looked like we belonged on love island. the rest of the day was spent by the pool, dipping into the water, cooling ourselves, and feeling washed over with an easy peace. sofia and i discovered the orange crush (or the grapefruit crush in my case and lemon crush in sofia’s), the favorite cocktail of delaware and maryland and i can say my life has been changed for the better. when we sat near the pool bar, we encountered a group of older women and ended up talking with them for around an hour. they were so kind and funny, a group of girls who grew old together; sofia and i kept asking ourselves if we would be that spirited and interesting 30 years from now and i know deep down we will be.

when we returned to our room, two twin beds separated by a nightstand, we took a few moments to lay silently across from each other, sleepy from the sun and the car ride, but still peaceful. it was one of those friendship moments i love so much, where we’re aware of each other’s presence and enjoying their company, but dedicated to a little quiet moment. we had many moments like that; every night when we went to bed, we would put something on the TV, occasionally commenting on it, or laughing into the quiet warmth of our room, but we found peace and comfort in the dark and steady silence of the night.

low-quality photo of a very high-quality friendship

friday night we went to rehoboth to see our friend

Andrew Powers

, who we talk to every day but haven’t seen since may. sofia and i walked along the boardwalk, split a cup of fries and hid from the over-eager seagulls. we peeked down at the beach and something about the salty air, the slight breeze i could feel, and the constant crashing of the waves just immediately soaked into my veins and left me feeling happier and more relaxed than i had been in weeks. i found myself in my head wondering how i had gone so long avoiding the ocean and feeling so scared when just being in that area unlocked a sense of giddiness and relaxation in myself that i was unfamiliar with. we found andrew and friends and spent the evening walking in and out of little shops and grabbing drinks (more crushes). part of me, the side that craves peace and quiet wished that i could have days like that every day, moments where it’s me and the sea and my best friends, minimal obligations, the quiet sounds of the ocean mixed in with the joy of those around us.

i went to sleep that night feeling content. i already felt nostalgic for the day i just lived.

saturday morning we drove to the bay and kayaked, the wind was strong and the current was harsh and i quickly remembered my dislike for large bodies of water. sofia and i sat in a kayak together and quickly became overconfident in our skills. i don’t know how long we were stuck in the center of the bay, but i know i panicked and kept asking myself if i was going to die in the center of a bay. once that fear abated, i felt the joy of just being on the water, a cool breeze, the salt on my skin and in my hair. we made it back, laughing, joking, remembering how quick we were to assume our talent in the kayak, those few moments of panic turning into a memory before our eyes.

that night we had dinner on the water, i ate my salmon and couldn’t keep my eyes off the water. the sun was reflecting and i could watch the tides come in and i once again asked myself why i’m scared of the ocean.

the next day was spent at the beach. an overcast day, but i laid on my towel and listened to the waves, and felt lulled into a trance. i went through my usual anxieties once we got to the beach (will a tsunami come to get me? what’s even in the ocean right now?) but as i lay there with the tinny sounds of lorde’s solar power from my phone mixing with the waves, the tension dissipated from my body. i don’t know what it is about the ocean, how can i be in complete fear one moment and then experience the most calm sense of bliss the next?

sofia and i kept joking about how victorian girls would be sent to the sea for their mental and physical ailments and i think i finally understand why. there are healing properties in the sound of the waves, the ebb and flow is a peaceful cycle that calms your thoughts. my normally anxiety-ridden brain was working in a way i could only consider to be mentally healthy. i felt like i uncovered a secret i wasn’t meant to know, how dipping my toes in the ocean and watching the birds ride along the waves immediately filled me with a sense of warmth and tranquility.

sunday night i learned about how much marylanders love crab. i’ve never participated in the disassembling a crab and eating it process, but i was not disappointed by it. we crossed over from delaware into maryland and ate some of the most delicious and fresh crab i’ve ever had. one of my favorite things about going on trips is the food. we all bond and share so much when we have a meal together, along with trying different foods, and this trip was packed to the brim of mealtime moments like that. i can officially say that i now know how to eat a crab the proper way, and i want to put old bay on everything.

on monday morning we woke up before 5 am to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. we got there in our sweaters and shorts, the chill of the morning air mixed with the breeze coming off of the ocean and sent goosebumps down my arms and legs. it was so quiet, only a few others were on the beach, including a family doing a private, quiet gender reveal (it was a boy!) and we sat in silence for a few minutes and just took in all of the beauty.

i’ll remember this moment forever

i felt like i was out of my own body, listening to the waves breaking and receding. i watched as the sky erupted in shades of pink and gold and the sun reflected in the sea and i think that was the moment for me when i realized that i shouldn’t fear the ocean. it’s big and uncertain and can change at a moment’s notice, but above all, it is beautiful.

the sun rose and we pulled off our sweaters and shorts and ran into the water, splashing and laughing as the waves came. i screamed when a big one hit me, but i always found myself laughing and going right back into the water. there was sand all over my body and i was a little cold from the water, but i felt so content. i wish i could just live in that moment, bring all of the people i love and have them there for that. it’s a memory i want to keep bottled up, so i can open it up and remember how special it was whenever i start to feel down.

it was just such a special weekend for me. i think it was one of those “you don’t realize exactly what you need until it happens” moments. i feel so refreshed, so full of love for my friend. i think it’s like that boygenius lyric from “true blue,” you said you wanted to feel alive, so you went to the beach, i felt alive.

the sun and the sea and sofia and me

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thank you so much for reading!! i’m going to be posting a lot of my photos/behind-the-scenes writing content on instagram, so please follow @peoplessprincesss (you hopefully won’t regret it!) for extra content and way more fun!

p.s. weekly favorites (some of which were mentioned above)

• the grapefruit crush

• my white beach outfit (it’s secretly a pajama set i bought at marshalls)

• sofia, gia, and violet

• round fries with old bay

• the bat stuffed animal i won at the rehoboth boardwalk

• every single meal i ate

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okay, that’s all for now, love you all to pieces & i’ll see you soon!

sarah 💌