certified princess: to all of the men we've hated before

a people's princess x certified. crossover about our dating histories, the rise in emotionally unavailable men, and how you can't fix him (no really, you can't)

this post is a collaboration between sarah (people’s princess) and amanda (certified.). the two are internet besties and writers who are obsessed with each other.

I don’t know when I first realized that boys were always going to be boys. That they’ll tell you everything you want to hear and prove time after time that women are disposable to them. I can tell you with certainty that I’ve expected too much of them, that my first childhood crush on Zac Efron in High School Musical turned into years of crushes, disappointment, and frankly, a lot of disgust.

A quick disclaimer for you, I’m in a relationship with a man, I have been for over 4 years. I’m of the belief that I can harbor an intense dislike for men while still happily loving one, and it’s because I was distrustful of his type (man) before we dated and still continue to be. I spent time with him, I had long conversations with him, I observed him for long enough to know that he wasn’t a secret woman-hater, and over the 4.5ish years of our relationship, I can confidently say that he is one of (very few) good ones. He’s very smart and hot and weird (in a good way) and he understands that I have a general sense of disgust directed at most men.

I didn’t date much in high school, but I found myself in my fair share of situationships. I gave too much attention to a few different guys who didn’t care even a little bit about me. Most of the relationships I looked up to as I grew up were in literature or media or my parents (they’re now divorced) and I quickly was able to discern what I did and didn’t want.

In high school, I wanted the star swimmer, and I had him for a short time, we kissed in the corn maze and went to prom and I was there when he wanted me and gone when he didn’t, until I realized how much I hated him. I hated how I let him in, how I told him secrets, and thought the few drops of emotional intimacy he gave back in return were enough. I hated that he knew how much I liked him. I hated the power imbalance, he knew he could date whoever, hook up with any other girls, and still have me in the wings.

It was me who ended things. I grew cold, I started talking to other guys who were kind and liked me because of who I am, not who they wanted me to be. I realized I could be unattainable to him, and it drove him crazy. I finally saw him for what he really was: just a guy and not even a cool one at that. His actions (or lack thereof) let me see what I wanted to avoid in relationships and partners, but mostly, he taught me my power over men.

I think of men like dogs, they come in breeds. I hate the “finance, amex platinum, vape as they go to their volo sport” guy. I’m helplessly attracted to the “hot and weird” guy (more on that later) and sometimes I’m intrigued by the “i dress like jacob elordi and carry a book in my pocket but likely can’t read” guy. I’m repulsed by “mansplain and manipulate” guy and the “golden retriever guy” is deeply unsettling to me.

Right now, there seems to be a plague of the artsy, smart, “i read books written by women and listen to charli xcx and sometimes wear crop tops because in case you can’t tell I LOVE WOMEN!!!!!” breed of guy. I’m sure you can hear one yapping about their film camera if you perk your ears up. He “loves women” but as soon as one is smarter than he is, he pulls away. His social media screen time is higher than yours. So many of my friends find themselves attracted to this guy, which is valid, he’s usually very pretty to look at, and he can slut himself out on hinge but he’s non-commital and not emotionally in tune with anyone’s needs but his own.

amanda and i took a selfie for you guys! i am the princess cat angel baby and amanda is the whimsical artist mouse baby)

When Amanda and I decided to write this piece, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is about this kind of guy who seems to have us in a chokehold. How he can trap us in the tangles of his wired headphones as we stare in amazement into his sad eyes. He’s the new dream guy, the one so many people fantasize about and give power to because of one little thing: he knows how to turn his brain on.

And with that said, I’m going to pass the mic to Amanda so she can lead us through the next part of this conversation:

Dear people of our kingdom,

We have an important warning to give you concerning a very sensitive subject: Men. Is his name something like Ragnar? Or Axton? Does he wear beat-up vans shoes with mismatched socks? Does he listen to Sufjan Stevens and St. Vincent? Be careful. He might be emotionally unavailable. And you’re asking me: “Amanda, how do you even know this?” Well, Aristotle once said: “For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.” And boy, was he right.

8th grade - Sophomore year of High School: I dated this guy named Louis. I think he was the first male to ever tell me he preferred Hole over Nirvana. He was sensible, and caring, and a true feminist, he said that he read all the feminist books that were on his sight (two). He used to wear plaid shirts and pins all over the place, like the cool guy he was (ironic). We used to date back and forth, because he’d always call me crying to say that he didn’t deserve me and that we should take a break. In reality, he was saying the same bullshit to other girls. Such a feminist!! He truly LOVES WOMEN.

Sophomore year of High School - Senior year of High School: Anthony. He was a Marx fan. Always quoting Marx to me. Isn’t it such a beautiful thing when a man quotes Marx to you in a text message and then sends “pics?” right after? He was all about the beach waves and philosophy and about breaking society’s expectations of a man, allowing himself to experience everything that life had to offer to him. And you can totally guess which experiences he was talking about.

PRESENT DAY: After many years and many dates, Amanda is burned out and can’t go to any dating activities at the moment, but she assures you that she went on enough dates with most of these artsy male types to have a PhD about it. So, hi, I’m DR. Amanda from Certified, and I’ll tell you why you keep falling for these same guys over and over again, using the note below as a case study:

So, this is the note. Short, simple and very true. You won’t believe the DMs I got after this one. Lots and lots of female friends shared their experiences, and by merging them with my own, I can say that the artsy male is emotionally unavailable mostly due to unpacked trauma, amongst other things. They have a lot of stuff going on in their head. It’s hell in there. That’s basically it. But since I am a DOCTOR on this, I’ll give you three reasons. Three good ones. God, I hope twitter doesn’t find me.

Okay: The first one is the challenge of it all. The excitement. Like, oooh, I got THAT guy. He’s emotionally distant, challenging, and intriguing. That’s so exciting. But then, it gets you thinking that you’ll change him, that you’ll be THE one. Well, LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER. Sorry. He’ll put his feelings for you at the bottom of his totebag and deep down, you know it.

The second one is self- esteem. You’re pursuing him because you’ll be validated after you get his love and affection, above anything else. LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER. He might love his ‘blonde’ vinyl he got on eBay more than you. Don’t shoot the messenger!! I’ve been there.

The third one is what we call ‘The big D’. Not his. The D stands for delusion. It’s the big delusion that one day, he’ll stop indulging in A24 films and that he’ll turn up to you and confess his love for you. He’ll tell you that you’re the woman of his dreams and blah blah blah. EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER. That’s just the big D talking. Literally OR metaphorically. None of these things will happen and he’s not going to be emotionally available because of you. He has to be ready and he has to want it, too. Sure, indoctrination IS possible, men can change, and grow, and evolve, and blah, and blah, and blah. And blergh. But maybe they won’t. And they have to do all the internal work by themselves either way. What I’m saying is: If he’s not ready, that doesn’t make you unworthy, and uncool. It just makes him.. unready.

i fear this is the standard…..

By understanding these dynamics and noticing patterns, you’re already fostering healthier relationship choices. And BABY, you’re doing yourself a big favor. So talk to him! Be honest about your feelings and about your hopes (or lack of them) for the relationship. Of course, we added these things for humor purposes, not every guy who likes these things will fall under that category! Anyone can be emotionally unavailable, and as hard as it is to deal with, talking about it with your therapist, with your mom, or even with him will make it a bit better. So at least you know what you’re dealing with! He might laugh or find it funny, but feelings should definitely be validated. Last night, I cried because the heel of my favorite shoe broke. That’s valid. That’s frustration. Recognize your feelings, embrace them, and talk them out. If he doesn’t respect them, or validate them, throw HIM out. You’re so much better without.

Like Phoebe Bridgers once said: “Know it’s for the better.”

FOOTNOTE: I am not a licensed therapist, I do not have a PhD, and I’m not your mom. These words appearing on your screen are based upon experiences I’ve had, and they have the purpose of entertaining people. The names used are entirely fictional because I don’t want to get sued by my ex-boyfriends because I know they need money as much as I do. That being said, I conclude my participation by simply stating that I am just a girl, standing in front of a (totally emotionally unavailable) boy, asking him to love her.

Give Amanda a huge round of applause! Men aren’t there for you to teach, to hold their hands and mold them into the little Ken doll-perfect boyfriends you want them to be (no matter how cute they are) and I see no point in doing that. Even if they have brains and are capable of some semblance of thought, I promise, if they’re emotionally turned off to you, it’s a fruitless search for that on switch. I’ve literally been there, but like I mentioned before, and it amounted to nothing. I’m serious, once I realized that men need me more than I need them, my entire outlook on relationships and dating changed.

I’m awesome. I’m gorgeous. I’m incredibly smart. I have enough going on in my own life that I have no need for a guy. I prioritize myself over men, and that’s worked for me. They’re welcome to be in my life as an equal, as someone to support me, prioritize me, but I’m proud of the person I am and she is not reliant on any guy. I love my boyfriend a crazy amount, and I think one of reasons and why we’re so compatible is that he sees me as a whole person, someone with flaws and interests and he respects that. I’m not going to say I’m a dating expert (this is genuinely the first really “serious,” relationship I’ve been in) but I think what’s made it so successful is that respect he shows me coupled with constant communication and emotional maturity on both sides.

how some of these men have us feeling

I want someone hot and weird, who lets me pile my stuffed animals up on top of him and comes up with names for the new ones. I want him going silent for a few hours and coming back to me with facts about medieval eating habits. I want him to listen to my rants about men being born to hate women and provide commentary. I want him to be equally proud of me for being soft and feminine as he is when I’m strong-willed and quick thinking.

There’s no place in my life for emotionally unavailable men. I think I speak for myself and Amanda when I say that we’ve already dealt with that, we’ve grown and we’re able to see through that artsy, soft, “have you read norweigan wood? can i tell you about my favorite ipa?” facade. I can see that those men have brains, and are seemingly capable of using it, but amid thoughts of “should I fold my beanie over once or twice?” and weaponized mustaches and mitski playlists, it’s just seems like non-stop void of self-aggrandization. One that I very much wish to avoid at all costs.

we love you!

sarah & amanda

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people's princess: the tour

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p.s. sarah’s weekly favorites:

• my fall playlists (they’ve literally been on repeat) i’m linking 2 but more are on my spotify

• the lord of the rings: rings of power (specifically sauron, he is hot)

• Valerie
  ’s essay “be cool or die trying”

• the pasta night i had with my roommates and friends (i made sauce)

• living in D.C. again

• the kacey musgraves concert i went to last monday with sofia and rosie