new year's day

or welcoming the new year in the only way i know how

i saw someone write somewhere that new years has the same emotional turmoil for a girl that their birthday holds, and as i sat last night watching my phone’s lockscreen hit midnight, all i could think about was how hopelessly true that felt. i was already telling myself that there’s really no change between yesterday and today except for one little number that in the grand scheme of things means almost nothing. why should i sit and make goals and tell myself that 2024 will be my best year yet when every circumstance that made 2023 my worst is still in play? how is it that one little number can change everything?

maybe for some people, all of that works, the setting goals and viewing midnight of january 1 as a fresh start, but i think over the last few years i’ve become more cynical, and as much as i would love to be a person who can do that, i’ve conditioned myself to take every day one step at a time. i feel like creating new years resolutions and saying “in 2024 i’m going to change my life!” is just setting me up for so much false hope. of course, i have goals for the year: i want to move to new york, i want to spend more quality time with the people i love, and i want to embrace the positivity and joy around me, but i feel like i need to guard all of those wishes so close to my chest and even by manifesting or creating vision boards, i’m putting it out there. it makes me think that if i fail or if i can’t achieve those goals i’m letting myself down, and maybe that's putting too much pressure on myself, but as i’ve come to learn i am the only thing i can control.

i often ask myself what changed, since i used to view everything with so much (perhaps too much) positivity that i feel like at times it bordered on naivety, and yes i can easily hop to the easy answer (parents never-ending divorce makes me sad), but i don’t want to make this easy. when i reach into the deepest parts of my heart i know it all comes down to this: i trust too easily. in the past, i couldn’t assume the worst of people or the world, and something about the entire twisted situation with my family burst down the doors that i was shutting over the world and forced me to take off my rose-colored glasses. i don’t feel like the same person i was and so much of that is personal and emotional growth, but a big part of it is how my perspectives have changed and adapted based on the circumstances i’ve found myself placed in.

i don’t want to feel scared to make and share my goals, or that i have to keep so much to myself out of fear of speaking it and losing any potential of it happening, but honestly, i really am just so terrified. in the last four years, so many of my world views have changed, and if you know me, you know how averse i am to big changes. i’m trying to do better and keep all of that in check, but days like today where society tells me to reflect on my year and think about what could be better for the next one make me feel like i’m spiraling a bit. i can’t let myself think of new years as a big holiday, so to me, it’s just another day.

i know in 5ish months on my birthday, i’ll sit and start feeling the same way, but that’s not what i want. for just a second, i want to let myself hope without giving in to the fear and the anxiety that surrounds it. i’m going to be brave when i turn 23 and i’ll be brave today and i’ll let myself bask in a little bit of hope, even if i’m scared of putting it out there.

so here you go, i’m letting sarah from the past take over, she’s going to guide us through this next section.

i want 2024 to be a good year. i want to look at every day as an opportunity to try something new or let myself experience something that makes me happy. i really want to move to new york, and i’m actually holding myself to this one. i want to prioritize my mental health and wellness. i want to do more yoga. i want to cook more meals and host more dinner parties. i want to dedicate quality time to the people i love and care about. and here’s where it does get naive for a second: i really want to leave my family drama in 2023 and let us move forward as peacefully and positively as possible.

that girl with the rose-colored glasses is still in there, and i know she always will be, but i can’t let myself be naive. there’s a lot to be said about hope. and as much as it scares me and i’ve let myself hold desperately on to it and then be let down over and over again, i’m always (regardless of my cynicism) going to slowly find my way back to it. i want to get to a point in my life where i don’t need those dreaded rose-colored glasses, where i can look at the world and see both the good and the bad, and yeah, i definitely feel myself slowly getting there, but i know i still have healing and growing to do, and that is okay. i want to be the best version of myself and i can’t rush myself in getting there.

maybe that is what 2024 is for, and i’m letting myself hope just a little. i still want to take things day by day but i’m letting myself have a tiny little rainbow over my head of all of the things i seriously do want for myself.

i know that can’t be the person to make big statements like “2024 is going to be my best year yet” because i don’t know that, and of course, i don’t want that disappointment if it isn’t. but i can say “i will do everything i can to make 2024 meaningful to me, in whatever way that looks” and you know what, that might be more special.

happy new year <3