happiness in a bottle

or diary entries about things i love

writing about my intense emotions is very cathartic for me; sometimes i feel like everything is held so tightly inside of me until, and when i write about how i feel, it all flows out. i made a promise to myself after i posted my last essay that i would experiment with writing about something a little more lighthearted. of course, i love a cultural criticism piece or literary analysis, but i wanted to just write. i spent so much time putting thought into the words i put down, but this is more of a rambling of some of the things that have been making me feel happy, and i’ve been grateful for recently.

don’t forget me by maggie rogers

i love maggie rogers. she’s the coolest person in the world and her music is so special to me. she has this magical ability to capture an emotion or a specific feeling in a song. whenever i hear “i’ve got a friend” from her 2022 album, surrender, i think of laughing with my best friends, sitting on the couch watching tv with them, having late-night conversations after a drink, walking down the street in pairs, and my entire heart about to burst from loving them so much.

needless to say, i was so excited for her new album, and it did not disappoint. don’t forget me is summertime in song, it’s driving with the windows down while the sun begins to set. maggie has spoken of how she wrote and recorded this album in an intense period of five days, and when listening to the album, you can feel how woven together everything feels. the emotions and the feelings are all similar, and the body of work as a whole has such specificity to it. don’t forget me has only been out for a weekend, but i’m confident saying this becoming one of my favorite albums.

currently, my favorites from the album are “on & on & on” and “the kill” but every song on this album is fabulous. it’s the same way i feel about beyoncé’s cowboy carter, where the songs individually are fabulous, but the album itself is the true art. i love maggie, i love these songs, and i cannot wait to spend my summer listening to this in the car, or while reading near the pool. i beg you all, please listen!

old navy linen pants

i was putting off buying new pants for far too long. i love clothing, but something about pants always makes me so anxious. when i’m home i usually wear comfy clothes, like pj shorts or yoga pants, and then when i go out or put on an outfit, i have a few very specific pairs of jeans that i love. the thought of going out, trying on new pants, specifically work pants, or even worse: ordering them online and returning them when they don’t fit, is scary!

a few weekends ago i was at sofia’s house and she was wearing such awesome black linen pants. i asked her a billion questions about them and made a mental note to check them out, but i just kept forgetting until yesterday. the town near me recently decided to upgrade to the 21st century, so they added an old navy to the otherwise desolate shopping center, and i knew i had to pop in and check for the pants.

sure enough, i left with two pairs, i’m wearing one of them right now. they’re so comfortable, they’re chic enough to dress up and they’re casual enough that i can lounge around in them. i know it’s silly to be so excited about a pair of pants, but finding a piece of clothing that fits and is comfy, cute, and flattering is such a special feeling (one of life’s greatest joys!) and i am so thankful to sofia for telling me about them.

jam

my dad went to the grocery store and bought an ungodly amount of blueberries and even though i often find myself snacking on them, i felt like i needed to bake something. i wanted something sweet, and normally i would try to make some kind of bread or muffin, but inspiration struck and i made some jam. i never realized how easy it is to make, and now that i opened my jam-making doors, i cannot stop. on thursday i made raspberry jam and ate it all on little pieces of bread and croissants.

maybe my tiktok page has been too full of 22-year-old stay-at-home girlfriends and wives, making bread and cereal and jam from scratch daily, but there’s something so special about taking the time to make something and see it in all stages from beginning to end. i love to cook and to bake, but i do it for myself, and this jam experiment has brought me so much joy and excitement. i wake up excited to put jam on my toast, and that feels so special to me.

i can’t see this new obsession going away anytime soon. i have a full container of strawberries sitting in my fridge just waiting to be turned into jam. maybe this is a metaphor for creating sweet things in life, but i think i just really like making jam.

paul

being in love is a constantly moving dynamic. i’m always learning new things about him, about love, and about myself, and i wouldn’t want it to be any different. being in a relationship for almost 4.5 years could become stagnant, but i feel like we are constantly growing. any time something comes up, we talk about it and figure things out together. i always try to listen and he does the same to me and i know that both of us are always receptive of communication.

i love him so much it’s insane sometimes. i don’t really talk about all of the feelings-y elements of our relationship, even with my friends, because i feel like that is between the two of us. i tell them stories about the two of us, share things he’s interested in (monkeys, dune), and i conversationally talk about him, but with some rare exceptions, i don’t always feel the need to chat about how much i love him. i write about it, but i think this is the first time i’m actually sharing even a tiny bit of it. i don’t need to prove to anyone how much i love him or he loves me because i know it and he knows it and that’s what matters. he is such a special person, and i’m so grateful to have him in my life. i also know my worth and what i want so i can confidently say he is lucky to have me, too.

i bring him up now because last weekend he ran the paris marathon. for months, i watched as he trained and stressed and prepared himself to take on this giant thing, and he did it. i feel so happy for him and proud of him and that is what love is. it’s excitement over your partner’s accomplishments, pride when they work so hard for something and then complete it. i love paul, he loves me, and i’m so happy for him. also i miss him very much.

the weather lately

the weather changed so quickly today. it was sunny for a while; i woke up, basked in the sunlight, and drank some coffee, thinking about how nice it would be to have some of the warmth creeping into my day. just a few hours later, i’m currently sitting and writing, with soccer on the television, and outside it’s pouring. one of my favorite things about spring is the versatility of the weather. it’s raining, then it’s sunny, then thunder is echoing throughout my house, constantly a back and forth.

i fell asleep the other night to the sound of rain pounding against my windows and roof, one of my favorite things. it’s peaceful in the most specific way. i love rainy days, but not the aggressive scary rain, the quieter, softer rain; what you associate with springtime, candles lit, curling up with a new book.

the unpredictability of the weather is much like my moods recently, stereotypical “good” and “bad” days, but no matter what, there’s something beautiful in them. spring is so special for giving us so many different types of weather in the time it takes for me to write this post (the sun is beginning to come out again).

cha cha real smooth

my friend, andrew, has been talking about this movie for a while and is just a fan of cooper raiff’s work, so i added it to my watchlist ages ago. i have a free trial of apple tv right now, and when i saw that movie on the homepage, i knew i had to watch it. for those of you unfamiliar with the film, it centers around andrew (ironically named), a 22-year-old who moves back to new jersey and works hosting bar mitzvahs, where he meets and befriends dakota johnson’s character, a young mom, and her daughter. it’s such a beautiful portrayal of life moving in a different direction than you might have expected, and coming to terms with how much hope and excitement is still out there.

i loved it. dakota johnson is such an underrated actor, and this, along with maggie gyllenhaal’s adaptation of elena ferrante’s the lost daughter, is one of her best performances. i love a coming-of-age movie, and there’s something so gratifying about one that captures the place you’re at in your life with such love and care.

i could go on and on (and on) about how coming-of-age films can encapsulate people of all ages, how the protagonist doesn’t just have to be a teenager about to graduate high school and ready to learn the wonders of the world but this film does such a wonderful job demonstrating that. it’s so special to feel connected to a piece of media and to see even a small aspect of your life represented, whether that’s being a 22-year-old post-grad living at home in new jersey, or something less specific and perhaps more relevant to your life. thank you andrew (protagonist and also my friend).

my letterboxd review

the chair in my family room

welcome to my office! this chair has an indentation in the shape of my body from how often i sit in it and just think. i’ve read countless books, watched movies, laughed, cried, argued, and lived from the comfort of this chair. it’s cozy, off-white, and the most incredible piece of furniture to exist. in the time i’ve been living at home, i’ve spent such a long time alone in my room, laying in my bed for hours on end. recently, i started dragging myself out of bed, instead of rotting in my room, i can spend time in my chair, in the center of my sun-drenched family room.

this chair is a happy place for me. i feel more centered in life down here instead of locked away in my room. i’ve been doing a lot of writing in this chair, which makes me think of my mom. when she still lived here, she would do her morning journaling or read one of her gratitude books from this exact position. maybe inspiration lives in this chair, drawn out of the numerous books read here and stuck within the fibers.

i think when i eventually have my own house, i need to somehow get this chair there. not a different one bought from the same company or something similar, i need this exact chair. my family has jokingly referred to it as my throne, which must be true because from here i feel like i can do anything.

sofia and andrew

it’s fitting to end this with two of the people i talk to the most (paul being number one). sofia is my soul sister. the other half of me. i’ve never met someone else, and i probably never will, who can understand me the way she does, i think in part, it’s because we share a brain, but it also must be because of how incredible she is. andrew has stuck by me for too many years at this point. he makes me laugh and drives me insane sometimes, but like me, he is full of so many ideas and opinions and thoughts. we all care for each other so much and i can’t ever see my life without them in it.

every day i find myself reading something or having a thought and without even realizing it, suddenly i’ve sent it to them. they are oftentimes the first people i need to tell my good news to (only behind my boyfriend) and it makes me overwhelmed with excitement when they share their good news. i’ve been friends with both of them for almost 5 years, but somehow that simultaneously feels like a lifetime and a moment.

it’s really special and fun to have friendships like this, where you can just tell people exactly what you’re thinking at the exact second it comes to your mind, and have a spirited conversation about that one thought. i miss both of them very much and i can’t wait to text them immediately after i write this.

bonus:

my spotify playlist that’s been on repeat

calico critters

the 2 new books i bought and i’m so excited to read

niall horan playing golf (he looks so excited)

zendaya’s tennis movie coming out soon

if you made it this far, thank you! i hope you find yourself surrounded by your own little things that bring you lifetimes of happiness.

sarah <3