fated to cry on my birthday

or the fear we have of aging and the constant pressure to look young

“Aging is a movable doom. It is a crisis that never exhausts itself, because the anxiety is never really used up. Being a crisis of the imagination rather than of “real life,” it has the habit of repeating itself again and again. The territory of aging (as opposed to actual old age) has no fixed boundaries.” - Susan Sontag, the Double Standard of Aging

I loved being 22. I loved the symmetry of the number, the simple elegance of a repeated digit. I loved the carefree ease I could sing “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22” and feel like the happiest girl in the world. It all made sense to me in my mind— 2 has always been my favorite number so being an age with double 2’s had to be some kind of a sign, a moment in time I would want to stay in forever.

I think I romanticized being 22, took my love for the number, the youth I still felt, and turned it into something it wasn’t because, in reality, 22 was one of my worst years. I was miserable, severely depressed, lonely, insecure, and horrifically anxious.

icons who proved that you don’t have to be 22 to slay

There’s always been a part of me that gets weird around my birthday, and I say weird because I truly can’t understand why I get this way. I suddenly feel melancholy, unsettled, and anxious about the future. There’s a sense of dread, the slow, practiced tick of a clock living in me. I fear getting older, not in the “I don’t want to look old” way that society has been so obsessed with, but more the wide expanse of what is to come, what feels like a massive empty slate.

Aging has become a prevalent conversation recently, perhaps even leaning towards a trendy conversation topic. Everywhere I look, young girls are slathering retinol on their faces, people are buying red light wands and masks. Some are practically declaring themselves spinsters at the age of 25. Alternatively, 19-year-olds see themselves as worldly, experienced, pillars of youth and knowledge and then see anyone older as aged, decrepit, and matronly. I never thought that I, at the age of 22, would be called old by a 19-year-old on the internet but alas, dark days are upon us!

Youth is a virtuous and valuable asset, especially for women. It is ingrained in us that our desirability stems from our youth. It’s so interesting to me how different we talk about women aging vs men aging. With men, they “age like fine wine,” they’re often described as growing into their physical beauty, and their age itself is desirable. To no one’s surprise, older women are often described as wise, with hints of their long-faded beauty lingering on their faces. Think about horror movies, we often see body horror portrayed through the older female body, we’re expected to see the image of an older woman and feel fear, repulsion, and disdain.

One of my favorite essays of all time is Susan Sontag’s “The Double Standard of Aging” where she dives into this topic with an intense and beautifully enunciated fervor. I’m writing this from a coffee shop in Washington, D.C. and unfortunately, I left my annotated copy at home, so I’m doing my best with a PDF. Sontag uses this essay to explore different notions society has imposed on us regarding aging, mostly related to our appearances. Vanity is considered a womanly trait, according to Sontag. The act of preparing ourselves through routines—like 12-step skincare routines or makeup routines meant to lift our faces— is yet another insistence that aging is something awful. In her argument, Sontag describes the deep-rooted difference between men and women, and how women are made to amass more worries as they get older.

Women are more vain than men because of the relentless pressure on women to maintain their appearance at a certain high standard. What makes the pressure even more burdensome is that there are actually several standards. Men present themselves as face-and-body, a physical whole. Women are split, as men are not, into a body and a face—each judged by somewhat different standards. What is important for a face is that it be beautiful. What is important for a body is two things, which may even be (depending on fashion and taste) somewhat incompatible: first, that it be desirable and, second, that it be beautiful.

I find this section of Sontag’s essay (written in 1972) one of the most applicable to the current societal landscape. Beauty standards for women, especially as they grow older are more rigorous. As Sontag mentions, desirability is a major factor women worry about, and we live in a time where celebrities and influencers often set the tone for what is considered “desirable” in women. The beauty standard can shift from waifish to curvy in moments, and for those of us who represent the majority of women, it’s nearly impossible to keep up with this and instantly transform our bodies to fall within these carefully painted lines.

For me, even if I don’t outright fear physically aging, I can’t help but be so aware of the process, hyperfocused on applying my SPF. As I mentioned, there is such an emphasis on routines, products, treatments, cosmetic procedures, wellness practices, and anything remotely marketable all to reduce aging effects, prevent wrinkles, and maintain youth. They’re taking women’s greatest insecurities and unsurprisingly finding ways to profit off of them. I was listening to the Binchtopia episode “My Year of Prolonged Suffering and Decrepitude” the other day (while dramatically walking on the treadmill) and early in the episode,

eliza mclamb

made the point that “the world is crumbling and death is approaching at a rapid speed, so just clutch your little retinol cream and everything is okay.” I find this such an intriguing thought, how conditioned we are to fear aging to its most extreme, so it’s so easy to buy into and find comfort in the products that seem to promise to remedy (or at least prolong) those uncertainties.

I don’t really know what to expect as I get older, and I think that is my main fear. When I think about it, I’ve lived such a small portion of my life, so there are YEARS of uncertainties ahead of me. I am full of so much anxiety on a regular day, but when it gets closer to my birthday, closer to another year being checked off of my internal calendar, I suddenly find myself in one of the most convoluted brain traps. It’s sadness about another year passing by— maybe I didn’t accomplish that one goal I really hoped to— but it’s also fear about this next year falling flat. I feel like we put so much pressure on our birthdays. We blow out the candles and wish for something to change, for this new age to bring a new perspective. We hyper-fixate on little things we want to change about ourselves and worry about what we could have done better. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the little things that we constantly worry about that matter, it’s the big things, things that come with growing older and living our lives.

I may still be somewhat scared about turning 23, but I have so much good in my life and to quote one of the most brilliant shows of all time, the Haunting of Hill House, the rest is just confetti. The good in my life will outweigh the scary and uncertain every time.

with love from this soon-to-be 23-year-old,

sarah 💌

ps: i’m going to list all of the things i love in just a second but first i have to say that as of when i’m finishing writing this (may 29) people’s princess officially has 500 subscribers!!!!! 💓💘💖 i never thought i would ever have more than 10, so to have 500 of you who have chosen to have my work delivered to your inboxes is so special to me. 500 is a huge milestone for me, and the best birthday present i could have asked for because this platform and the ability to share my writing means so much to me! i truly love you all!

also, one of the things i told myself was that once i reached 500 subscribers, i would start integrating paid content, so starting this week, i’m going to be weekly uploading an additional piece of content for paid subscribers (an essay, journal entry, etc.) i put a lot of time into researching and writing, so please consider becoming a paid subscriber. think of it as buying me a cup of coffee to keep me company while i’m thinking of new ideas and writing! upgrade below <3

okay now here are some of the things i’ve been loving this week:

• thirst for salt by madelaine lucas

• skin contact wine

• spending time with my boyfriend

• so many hydrangeas blooming right now!

• jenny nicholson’s 4 hour star wars hotel video